Is Peter Piper a Terrorist?

Day 163, 1300 victims and counting, a plague infected upon the fresh homemade salsa lovers of America; that plague is salmonella. If you haven’t been paying attention to the news recently you may not know that there is a salmonella outbreak on the streets of America. The plague serves as a grim reminder of the 2001 anthrax scare where six people were killed by a mad scientist living in the U.S. Where is the salmonella coming from? The FDA originally believed that the outbreak was a result of Florida grown tomatoes, but they couldn’t have been more wrong, really. The outbreak was actually a result from jalapeños shipped from Mexico, whose main exports also include coffee, tequila, dishwashers, and busboys. A recent FDA investigation has found that the Mexican jalapeños come directly from a farm owned and operated by a one, Peter Piper, of Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked, if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked popularity. A question has been posed recently, is Peter Piper, pickled peck picker of peppers, actually a terrorist, and if so, does that make the iconic tongue twister an anti-American anthem?

Unlike clams crammed in clean cans, all of Peter Piper’s produced products were grown in his truly rural estate where each pepper was watered daily with water that gives most American tourists thin grippy thick slippery drippy diarrhea. Yet, at this point it is impossible to tell, like the anthrax scare, whether this is a terrorist attack or not. As you may remember, the anthrax scare helped the Bush administration to ride into war for oil on the foreign soil of Iraq. Could the salmonella scare and fear of Peter Piper help the Bush Administration, which sometimes seems to be excited executioners exercising excising powers excessively, as a selling point to bring the United States into war with Iran? (Because as you may know, Iran supports Mexico, vice versa) I can only wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

Shockingly, this is not the first time that the Piper family has been met with controversy. Peter’s brother Pied Piper was arrested multiple times for luring children into his cave with a magical whistle. Pied Piper was given tribute in the R Kelly song “Pied Piper”, R Kelly was also proclaimed innocent in his sex with a minor court case, so everythings cool now, out of the closet, and shit. Anyways, it will certainly be interesting to see how the Piper family will ride out this controversial debacle. On one side he could end up at Guantannomo Bay in a pile of naked terrorists; or like Pied, R Kelly, and Michael Jackson, free to go.

It’s time as a country we ask ourselves, what noise annoys a moist oyster most, and why do clowns grow glowing crowns?