It ain't easy goin' Green

Thanks to Al Gore’s so called heroic crusading from coast to coast, country to country, via his private jet, we have all heard of the horror and havoc that global warming will bring to the friendly, caring, and undeserving citizens of planet earth. Global warming might be true (if you are the kind of person that actually believes the morons in the scientific community) or false (if you believe the Exxon Mobil lobbyists), but either way it sure as hell is inconvenient. If we look at the facts of the situation, we’re probably fucked. That is why I do not look at the facts. Hope, with all its wonderful audacity, has not left us yet, though. Our countries’ wealthy ultra liberal youth have started to bind together to do their inconsequential part to save our fledging Mother Earth. Going “Green” is our generation’s cocaine, being the cool thing to do for rich people with nothing else to do. Everyone from Alec Baldwin to Sean Penn to Starbucks is “going green” and now you can too, yes, you! Buying local, organic foods at outrageous prices not only helps save our planet, but also our economy. Washing your clothes in cold water will not only get your clothes less clean and form fitting, it will save 350 pounds of CO2 a year! (go to climatecrisis.net to find more ways to take action) The change starts with you (I like washing in warm water), but to actually save Earth instead of watching it wobble on for an extra couple of years til’ we kill each other off; we must get our politicians involved. But if you think for even a second that we would be fucked with our fate in the hands of Washington politicians, think again. Both McCain and Obama have wonderfully shabby hack job quick-fixes to save the day. It’s the day after tomorrow that I am worried about.

Imagine there is a grizzly bear one hundred feet away charging in murderous rage right at you and your family; you have a rifle in your hand…Do you…

1. Shoot the bear

2. Wait for the bear to actually attack you, then try to kill it

3. Run faster than your family

4. Shoot your family then die by bear mauling

5. Shoot yourself leaving the family to be ripped to shreds by the jaws of the bear

6. What bear?

Now let’s imagine that the bear represents the impending doom posed by global warming. With our global strategy toggling between #2 and #6, we can all sleep soundly at night realizing our grandchildren will probably be harvested for meat in the Great Starvation. Yes, we are most likely fucked and we of course will not really do anything significant to stop it from happening. You will die (maybe not from global warming), your family will die (“”) and of course the bear will die (mercury poisoning), but we were going to die anyway, so why won’t Al Gore leave us alone. If there was anyone I thought would have given up by now it would probably have been Gore, but no. Gore must continuously remind us of our coming demise. Would you rather be shot by a sniper without knowing about it, or would you like to be shot by a sniper knowing you were to be shot that week? I would rather not know, as there would be nothing I could do either way. If we are truly going to stop global warming, we must first stop Al Gore, then we could stop worrying, and then it won’t be a problem anymore!

But if the world is going to end, can we not have some fun with it first?
With no icebergs in sight we could easily send an unsinkable ship on its maiden voyage with no fear of failure!
We could loot stores during big natural disasters!
Travel New York City by gondola!
And Much Much More!!!!!!!