Bernie Mac is dead, can Ocean's 14 still be good?

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Is Peter Piper a Terrorist?

Day 163, 1300 victims and counting, a plague infected upon the fresh homemade salsa lovers of America; that plague is salmonella. If you haven’t been paying attention to the news recently you may not know that there is a salmonella outbreak on the streets of America. The plague serves as a grim reminder of the 2001 anthrax scare where six people were killed by a mad scientist living in the U.S. Where is the salmonella coming from? The FDA originally believed that the outbreak was a result of Florida grown tomatoes, but they couldn’t have been more wrong, really. The outbreak was actually a result from jalapeños shipped from Mexico, whose main exports also include coffee, tequila, dishwashers, and busboys. A recent FDA investigation has found that the Mexican jalapeños come directly from a farm owned and operated by a one, Peter Piper, of Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked, if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked popularity. A question has been posed recently, is Peter Piper, pickled peck picker of peppers, actually a terrorist, and if so, does that make the iconic tongue twister an anti-American anthem?

Unlike clams crammed in clean cans, all of Peter Piper’s produced products were grown in his truly rural estate where each pepper was watered daily with water that gives most American tourists thin grippy thick slippery drippy diarrhea. Yet, at this point it is impossible to tell, like the anthrax scare, whether this is a terrorist attack or not. As you may remember, the anthrax scare helped the Bush administration to ride into war for oil on the foreign soil of Iraq. Could the salmonella scare and fear of Peter Piper help the Bush Administration, which sometimes seems to be excited executioners exercising excising powers excessively, as a selling point to bring the United States into war with Iran? (Because as you may know, Iran supports Mexico, vice versa) I can only wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

Shockingly, this is not the first time that the Piper family has been met with controversy. Peter’s brother Pied Piper was arrested multiple times for luring children into his cave with a magical whistle. Pied Piper was given tribute in the R Kelly song “Pied Piper”, R Kelly was also proclaimed innocent in his sex with a minor court case, so everythings cool now, out of the closet, and shit. Anyways, it will certainly be interesting to see how the Piper family will ride out this controversial debacle. On one side he could end up at Guantannomo Bay in a pile of naked terrorists; or like Pied, R Kelly, and Michael Jackson, free to go.

It’s time as a country we ask ourselves, what noise annoys a moist oyster most, and why do clowns grow glowing crowns?

Jesus Sues Kid Rock for Latest Chart Topper

This week, Kid Rock, self-proclaimed bad ass, will be spending his 43rd week in the top five of the billboard charts with his latest album of crotch grabbing new age strip club anthems “Rock and Roll Jesus”. Attorneys for Jesus H. Christ announced yesterday that they will file a lawsuit for the use of Jesus’ name in the album title and in lyrics, citing defamation of character, and a general disgust for Kid Rock. This is not the first time Kid has been sued by a religious entity; he was also sued by the Devil in 2001 for the single “Devil without a cause”, which resulted in massive damage to Lucifer’s carefully crafted persona. Mr. Rock was unavailable for comment.

Also in the top five this week: Sugaland, Jeezy, Lil’ Wayne, and Miley Cyrus, which brings us to today’s discussion question; Has America Lost its God Damn Mind?

It ain't easy goin' Green

Thanks to Al Gore’s so called heroic crusading from coast to coast, country to country, via his private jet, we have all heard of the horror and havoc that global warming will bring to the friendly, caring, and undeserving citizens of planet earth. Global warming might be true (if you are the kind of person that actually believes the morons in the scientific community) or false (if you believe the Exxon Mobil lobbyists), but either way it sure as hell is inconvenient. If we look at the facts of the situation, we’re probably fucked. That is why I do not look at the facts. Hope, with all its wonderful audacity, has not left us yet, though. Our countries’ wealthy ultra liberal youth have started to bind together to do their inconsequential part to save our fledging Mother Earth. Going “Green” is our generation’s cocaine, being the cool thing to do for rich people with nothing else to do. Everyone from Alec Baldwin to Sean Penn to Starbucks is “going green” and now you can too, yes, you! Buying local, organic foods at outrageous prices not only helps save our planet, but also our economy. Washing your clothes in cold water will not only get your clothes less clean and form fitting, it will save 350 pounds of CO2 a year! (go to climatecrisis.net to find more ways to take action) The change starts with you (I like washing in warm water), but to actually save Earth instead of watching it wobble on for an extra couple of years til’ we kill each other off; we must get our politicians involved. But if you think for even a second that we would be fucked with our fate in the hands of Washington politicians, think again. Both McCain and Obama have wonderfully shabby hack job quick-fixes to save the day. It’s the day after tomorrow that I am worried about.

Imagine there is a grizzly bear one hundred feet away charging in murderous rage right at you and your family; you have a rifle in your hand…Do you…

1. Shoot the bear

2. Wait for the bear to actually attack you, then try to kill it

3. Run faster than your family

4. Shoot your family then die by bear mauling

5. Shoot yourself leaving the family to be ripped to shreds by the jaws of the bear

6. What bear?

Now let’s imagine that the bear represents the impending doom posed by global warming. With our global strategy toggling between #2 and #6, we can all sleep soundly at night realizing our grandchildren will probably be harvested for meat in the Great Starvation. Yes, we are most likely fucked and we of course will not really do anything significant to stop it from happening. You will die (maybe not from global warming), your family will die (“”) and of course the bear will die (mercury poisoning), but we were going to die anyway, so why won’t Al Gore leave us alone. If there was anyone I thought would have given up by now it would probably have been Gore, but no. Gore must continuously remind us of our coming demise. Would you rather be shot by a sniper without knowing about it, or would you like to be shot by a sniper knowing you were to be shot that week? I would rather not know, as there would be nothing I could do either way. If we are truly going to stop global warming, we must first stop Al Gore, then we could stop worrying, and then it won’t be a problem anymore!

But if the world is going to end, can we not have some fun with it first?
With no icebergs in sight we could easily send an unsinkable ship on its maiden voyage with no fear of failure!
We could loot stores during big natural disasters!
Travel New York City by gondola!
And Much Much More!!!!!!!