Columbus (OHIO) Associated Press, May 16th, 2008
Poor Maurice Gibb, I really feel for the guy. He may have been in a band only outsold by Elvis, the Beatles, Michael Jackson, and Paul McCartney,* but life was certainly tough for him. Why, you ask. Well it all has to do with male pattern baldness. Maurice was one of the ‘brothers’ Gibb’, the members of the Bee Gees. He was born Dec. 22, 1949 in the Isle of Wales, as the uglier twin brother to fellow band mate Robin Gibb, both as younger brothers to the far sexier ‘Barry Gibb’, the star of the show. These facts, by technicality, make Maurice the ugliest member of the Bee Gees. Maurice is actually pronounced “Morris”, yet after years of being called “Maurice”, he gave up correcting people. His entire life he was always overshadowed by his brothers. The record execs would not let him write music for the group because of his tendencies for musical experimentation. Four of his solo works went unreleased because record execs feared it would estrange the Bee Gees fan base. He was divorced twice, both times because of the woman’s choice. He died in 2003 following complications of a twisted intestine. Following his death, his surviving brothers Barry and Robin announced that they would no longer perform as the Bee Gees, they however, did. Why did things happen this way? Can your intestines really twist? And what does that astrick by Paul McCartney’s name mean?
I will anwser the intestines question first, yes.
As for the astrick, Mariah Carey has also outsold the Bee Gees, but I left that out because I thought it deminished the prestige of the accomplishment, mainly due to the film Glitter, oh, and the music. I didn’t want to believe shaking your ass on the hood of a car, covered in body makeup, “singing” over neptunes beats would really score you more number #1s than the Beatles. But, as I have come to find out, people are always far stupider than you previously gave them credit for, and as I gave them very little credit as it was, it is now even lower. Generations before us got Bob Dylan and Mick Jager, we get Paris Hilton and Miley Cyrus. Hey! I think we’re turnin’ the corner in Iraq!
But I will, for the sake of not losing you, digress.
As for the first question, remember the questions? Why did things happen this way for Maurice (Morris) Gibb? Male pattern baldness, commonly refered to as Androgenic alopecia, which affects millions and millions of men each year. Researchers have determined that this form of hair loss is related to hormones called androgens, particularly an androgen called dihydrotestosterone (DHT). That will be on the quiz. Anyways, Morris Gibb, Bee Gee and divorcee, started to loss a shit load of hair very early in his carrer. This led to what I believe to be a massive cover up, causing him to be shoved into the background behind his brothers at any chance they could muster. Viewing of the video for the no. #1 hit “How Deep Is your Love” (which also happens to be one of the top 5 worst videos, ever) clearly illustrates my point. Watch how the camera cuts off his hairline, as it does not with his brothers. Also observe how he is placed in the back of the group, his hairline cleverly blocked out by his brothers while his face is still visable. If this is not proof enough, just look at any picture of the Bee Gees, ever. And further proof lies in the albums you buy at the store. Next time you are in a music store, ask where they hide the Bee Gees records, when you look at the case notice the sticker promoting what hits are on the record slyly covers Maurice Gibbs’ rapidly dissapearing hair line. If no sticker is present you can be assured the picture was taken of the band well before (like a decade) the band had a hit. By the late 70’s things had gotten so bad that he was forced to wear a hat during preformances. Never in the history of mankind was one man forced to be so ashamed of his Androgenic alopecia, speaking on behalf of the people of the United States, we’re sorry Mo. []
***I do not want you to believe that just because I posted this, that I just sit around my room all day watching Bee Gees videos on YouTube.
**** I apologize for wasting your life.
*****Both of the above are bold faced lies, I don’t know how I live with myself either.
Poor Maurice Gibb, I really feel for the guy. He may have been in a band only outsold by Elvis, the Beatles, Michael Jackson, and Paul McCartney,* but life was certainly tough for him. Why, you ask. Well it all has to do with male pattern baldness. Maurice was one of the ‘brothers’ Gibb’, the members of the Bee Gees. He was born Dec. 22, 1949 in the Isle of Wales, as the uglier twin brother to fellow band mate Robin Gibb, both as younger brothers to the far sexier ‘Barry Gibb’, the star of the show. These facts, by technicality, make Maurice the ugliest member of the Bee Gees. Maurice is actually pronounced “Morris”, yet after years of being called “Maurice”, he gave up correcting people. His entire life he was always overshadowed by his brothers. The record execs would not let him write music for the group because of his tendencies for musical experimentation. Four of his solo works went unreleased because record execs feared it would estrange the Bee Gees fan base. He was divorced twice, both times because of the woman’s choice. He died in 2003 following complications of a twisted intestine. Following his death, his surviving brothers Barry and Robin announced that they would no longer perform as the Bee Gees, they however, did. Why did things happen this way? Can your intestines really twist? And what does that astrick by Paul McCartney’s name mean?
I will anwser the intestines question first, yes.
As for the astrick, Mariah Carey has also outsold the Bee Gees, but I left that out because I thought it deminished the prestige of the accomplishment, mainly due to the film Glitter, oh, and the music. I didn’t want to believe shaking your ass on the hood of a car, covered in body makeup, “singing” over neptunes beats would really score you more number #1s than the Beatles. But, as I have come to find out, people are always far stupider than you previously gave them credit for, and as I gave them very little credit as it was, it is now even lower. Generations before us got Bob Dylan and Mick Jager, we get Paris Hilton and Miley Cyrus. Hey! I think we’re turnin’ the corner in Iraq!
But I will, for the sake of not losing you, digress.
As for the first question, remember the questions? Why did things happen this way for Maurice (Morris) Gibb? Male pattern baldness, commonly refered to as Androgenic alopecia, which affects millions and millions of men each year. Researchers have determined that this form of hair loss is related to hormones called androgens, particularly an androgen called dihydrotestosterone (DHT). That will be on the quiz. Anyways, Morris Gibb, Bee Gee and divorcee, started to loss a shit load of hair very early in his carrer. This led to what I believe to be a massive cover up, causing him to be shoved into the background behind his brothers at any chance they could muster. Viewing of the video for the no. #1 hit “How Deep Is your Love” (which also happens to be one of the top 5 worst videos, ever) clearly illustrates my point. Watch how the camera cuts off his hairline, as it does not with his brothers. Also observe how he is placed in the back of the group, his hairline cleverly blocked out by his brothers while his face is still visable. If this is not proof enough, just look at any picture of the Bee Gees, ever. And further proof lies in the albums you buy at the store. Next time you are in a music store, ask where they hide the Bee Gees records, when you look at the case notice the sticker promoting what hits are on the record slyly covers Maurice Gibbs’ rapidly dissapearing hair line. If no sticker is present you can be assured the picture was taken of the band well before (like a decade) the band had a hit. By the late 70’s things had gotten so bad that he was forced to wear a hat during preformances. Never in the history of mankind was one man forced to be so ashamed of his Androgenic alopecia, speaking on behalf of the people of the United States, we’re sorry Mo. []
***I do not want you to believe that just because I posted this, that I just sit around my room all day watching Bee Gees videos on YouTube.
**** I apologize for wasting your life.
*****Both of the above are bold faced lies, I don’t know how I live with myself either.
"How deep is you love" video:
and the #1 worst music video of all time: Journey "Separate Ways"
Seriously, watch this one people, i wish this was a joke, i really do wish. If this video was a parody film, it would be too ridiculous to be believable. My god, Journey sucks, don't click on this link. You will never get back those three minutes.
This one is pretty bad too. unwatchable. do not click.
Video for the hair metal band Autograph's "turn up the radio"
4 comments:
Brandon,
As a concerned parent, I have given many lectures and lunch time presentations on the subject of male pattern baldness among famous siblings. I've already started my 5 month old on a strict regimen of Rogaine and beaver oil so he can keep up with the stunning looks of his 2 year old brother.
This conspiracy theory is fascinating, and your detective work is truly worthy of a gold star! I can only imagine the implications this study will have on other siblings such as the Wilsons, Van Halens, Doobies, and hideous freaks Johnny and Edgar Winter.
However, I must disagree with your conclusion that Journey's "Separate Ways" is the worst music video of all time. As we have discussed together at several of our meet and greets, the worst video is actually Garth Brooks' "Standing Outside the Fire"
http://youtube.com/watch?v=jjlb764oJEE
i feel very depressed when i became bald six months ago but now i can walk down the streets with my hairs i am literally transformed, after having my affordable hair loss treatment.
Lots of inaccuracies and oh yes assinine comments in this article. Maurice was only divorced once from singer Lulu. He was happily married to Yvonne from 1975 until his death. He died from complications of the twisted intestine true enough but he did not have colon cancer. Now, as far as attacking his looks, Maurice has legions of admirers who "spend all their time watching youtube videos". Myself included. Maurice was not the sum total of his hair or lack of it. He was a very sexy, attractive and talented man in his own right. Their father Hugh was no stranger to the toupee. He was mostly bald when he married their mother, Barbara. Robin's look changed on an almost daily basis. Nobody cared. His voice never changed or his little boy smile. I love all four brothers. God bless Barry for pressing on.
I always thought Maurice was with that beard and hat . Like my hubby he made up on chest hair from lack of head hair. But I think my hubby's sexy with or without head hair just don't touch his chest hair. Really miss Marice and Robin . May they RIP.
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