2009 (part 2)

Ok…I took a deep breath and I am ready to try again. Swine flu, wait nevermind.

2009 (to be cont.)

This is my first post of the Obama administration, and boy, hope sure is in the air! 2009 has really been a great year thus far, one for the history books. The economy has emptied our wallets, Susan Boyle has warmed our hearts (and maybe a little bit more), and a new Fast and Furious movie is in theaters as I write this. We are living in truly special times. And a new disease is in the air! (and it’s not joy) It’s called Swine flu, and unlike bird flu, west nile, and sars, this shit is for real! But I don’t want to talk about this mysterious pork flu. I want to discuss…fuck it, I’m too angry to blog right now.

Bernie Mac is dead, can Ocean's 14 still be good?

discuss

Is Peter Piper a Terrorist?

Day 163, 1300 victims and counting, a plague infected upon the fresh homemade salsa lovers of America; that plague is salmonella. If you haven’t been paying attention to the news recently you may not know that there is a salmonella outbreak on the streets of America. The plague serves as a grim reminder of the 2001 anthrax scare where six people were killed by a mad scientist living in the U.S. Where is the salmonella coming from? The FDA originally believed that the outbreak was a result of Florida grown tomatoes, but they couldn’t have been more wrong, really. The outbreak was actually a result from jalapeños shipped from Mexico, whose main exports also include coffee, tequila, dishwashers, and busboys. A recent FDA investigation has found that the Mexican jalapeños come directly from a farm owned and operated by a one, Peter Piper, of Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked, if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked popularity. A question has been posed recently, is Peter Piper, pickled peck picker of peppers, actually a terrorist, and if so, does that make the iconic tongue twister an anti-American anthem?

Unlike clams crammed in clean cans, all of Peter Piper’s produced products were grown in his truly rural estate where each pepper was watered daily with water that gives most American tourists thin grippy thick slippery drippy diarrhea. Yet, at this point it is impossible to tell, like the anthrax scare, whether this is a terrorist attack or not. As you may remember, the anthrax scare helped the Bush administration to ride into war for oil on the foreign soil of Iraq. Could the salmonella scare and fear of Peter Piper help the Bush Administration, which sometimes seems to be excited executioners exercising excising powers excessively, as a selling point to bring the United States into war with Iran? (Because as you may know, Iran supports Mexico, vice versa) I can only wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

Shockingly, this is not the first time that the Piper family has been met with controversy. Peter’s brother Pied Piper was arrested multiple times for luring children into his cave with a magical whistle. Pied Piper was given tribute in the R Kelly song “Pied Piper”, R Kelly was also proclaimed innocent in his sex with a minor court case, so everythings cool now, out of the closet, and shit. Anyways, it will certainly be interesting to see how the Piper family will ride out this controversial debacle. On one side he could end up at Guantannomo Bay in a pile of naked terrorists; or like Pied, R Kelly, and Michael Jackson, free to go.

It’s time as a country we ask ourselves, what noise annoys a moist oyster most, and why do clowns grow glowing crowns?

Jesus Sues Kid Rock for Latest Chart Topper

This week, Kid Rock, self-proclaimed bad ass, will be spending his 43rd week in the top five of the billboard charts with his latest album of crotch grabbing new age strip club anthems “Rock and Roll Jesus”. Attorneys for Jesus H. Christ announced yesterday that they will file a lawsuit for the use of Jesus’ name in the album title and in lyrics, citing defamation of character, and a general disgust for Kid Rock. This is not the first time Kid has been sued by a religious entity; he was also sued by the Devil in 2001 for the single “Devil without a cause”, which resulted in massive damage to Lucifer’s carefully crafted persona. Mr. Rock was unavailable for comment.

Also in the top five this week: Sugaland, Jeezy, Lil’ Wayne, and Miley Cyrus, which brings us to today’s discussion question; Has America Lost its God Damn Mind?

It ain't easy goin' Green

Thanks to Al Gore’s so called heroic crusading from coast to coast, country to country, via his private jet, we have all heard of the horror and havoc that global warming will bring to the friendly, caring, and undeserving citizens of planet earth. Global warming might be true (if you are the kind of person that actually believes the morons in the scientific community) or false (if you believe the Exxon Mobil lobbyists), but either way it sure as hell is inconvenient. If we look at the facts of the situation, we’re probably fucked. That is why I do not look at the facts. Hope, with all its wonderful audacity, has not left us yet, though. Our countries’ wealthy ultra liberal youth have started to bind together to do their inconsequential part to save our fledging Mother Earth. Going “Green” is our generation’s cocaine, being the cool thing to do for rich people with nothing else to do. Everyone from Alec Baldwin to Sean Penn to Starbucks is “going green” and now you can too, yes, you! Buying local, organic foods at outrageous prices not only helps save our planet, but also our economy. Washing your clothes in cold water will not only get your clothes less clean and form fitting, it will save 350 pounds of CO2 a year! (go to climatecrisis.net to find more ways to take action) The change starts with you (I like washing in warm water), but to actually save Earth instead of watching it wobble on for an extra couple of years til’ we kill each other off; we must get our politicians involved. But if you think for even a second that we would be fucked with our fate in the hands of Washington politicians, think again. Both McCain and Obama have wonderfully shabby hack job quick-fixes to save the day. It’s the day after tomorrow that I am worried about.

Imagine there is a grizzly bear one hundred feet away charging in murderous rage right at you and your family; you have a rifle in your hand…Do you…

1. Shoot the bear

2. Wait for the bear to actually attack you, then try to kill it

3. Run faster than your family

4. Shoot your family then die by bear mauling

5. Shoot yourself leaving the family to be ripped to shreds by the jaws of the bear

6. What bear?

Now let’s imagine that the bear represents the impending doom posed by global warming. With our global strategy toggling between #2 and #6, we can all sleep soundly at night realizing our grandchildren will probably be harvested for meat in the Great Starvation. Yes, we are most likely fucked and we of course will not really do anything significant to stop it from happening. You will die (maybe not from global warming), your family will die (“”) and of course the bear will die (mercury poisoning), but we were going to die anyway, so why won’t Al Gore leave us alone. If there was anyone I thought would have given up by now it would probably have been Gore, but no. Gore must continuously remind us of our coming demise. Would you rather be shot by a sniper without knowing about it, or would you like to be shot by a sniper knowing you were to be shot that week? I would rather not know, as there would be nothing I could do either way. If we are truly going to stop global warming, we must first stop Al Gore, then we could stop worrying, and then it won’t be a problem anymore!

But if the world is going to end, can we not have some fun with it first?
With no icebergs in sight we could easily send an unsinkable ship on its maiden voyage with no fear of failure!
We could loot stores during big natural disasters!
Travel New York City by gondola!
And Much Much More!!!!!!!

Brenden Frasier is Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Who is Fucking Pumped for the Triumphant Return of Brendan Frasier!? Brendan Frasier is the star in two new box office scorchers; the first is the Third installment of the fantastic, critically acclaimed Mummy remake franchise which he costars with Jet Li, who is a natural pick for the Egyptian setting of the story. I am really really glad they made a third Mummy movie; I think America needs it now more than ever. With the slew of shit Hollywood has thrown at us the past couple of years, a third Mummy movie really is a breath of fresh air! I remember when they first decided that they were going to remake the original mummy. I got a little upset, but when I heard that the star of ‘Monkey Bone’ and ‘George of the Jungle’ was going to be the dashing male lead, my anger morphed into joy of the purest form. When I first saw Brendan Frasier fight CGI mummies in a lush Egyptian setting courtesy of a green screen (Egypt was being used at the time), I realized why I go to the movies in the first place. It put the ‘force’ in “tour-de-force”. It was a film truly worth the Nine Dollars and Fifty Cents, every penny of it. After charming audiences and critics alike worldwide (obtained an impressive 53% on rotten tomatoes), the logical next step was to make a sequel: ‘The Mummy Returns’ (43% on rotten tomatoes), which turned out to be an equally delicious magnum opus to add to the grand pantheon of film classics as our boy Brendan Frasier, (star of Dudley Do-Right) turned in the performance of our generation, being robbed of the Oscar for about the ninth time (They did however make a roller coaster ride based on the film). Not since Paul Walker in the first installment of the Fast and Furious franchise have we seen acting of such high caliber. America demanded a third Mummy movie, and what America wants, America gets. And next week the handsome leading man from ‘Looney Tunes: Back in Action’ will finally return to give us what we have all been begging so hard for, The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Let’s face it, America is addicted to the Mummy films, because everything Frasier touches turns to gold. What do you think the Scorpion King could have been with him. Imagine, if you can, what the film ‘Dickey Roberts: Former Child Star’ would have been without a Frasier cameo: Garbage, probably. But if you think that just by starring in a sequel of a sequel of a remake isn’t enough to call it a comeback, then consider the fact that he is also starring in another remake (Journey to the Center of the Earth) with possible sequel ramifications both slated to appear in theaters at the same time. Never before in film history has an actor starred in two films simultaneously in theaters where he fights CGI Dragons in both films. And they said Brendan Frasier couldn’t break new ground, HA! So if you are looking for a great way to blow $19 this summer, check out Brendan Frasier in two of the most important films of our time. You never know, it might even be enough to get people to shut the fuck up about the dark knight, and Heath Ledger. Because lets face the facts, when it comes to Brendan Frasier, he buries the competition.

Writer's Block Ends In Agreement

It’s been awhile gang, well over a month. I am excited to announce that the writer’s block has come to an end, as an agreement was made yesterday morning. After in depth dialogues between my left and right brain lobes, the writer’s strike has come to a halt. Both sides were content with the agreement and the left lobe in a recent interview in the penthouse forum said “he was looking forward to working with the right lobe again.” At press time it is too soon to tell if the working relationship between right and left has been damaged in any way. Experts estimate the internal writer’s strike of Brandon Reichard’s brain to have caused nearly $0 in damage to Hollywood and the entertainment industry. Although according to the World Health Organization, detailed statistics reports indicate as many as 68,600 people were likely murdered worldwide during the course of the writer’s block. Whether the strike is directly related to any of these murder’s is still “under investigation” said Commissioner Gordon in yesterday’s press conference. []

Writer's block

Recently, some unnamed people have quite boldly stated that they thought this blog was dead and dormant after less than a month in action, and that is certainly not true. It is true though that I have not posted anything in awhile, but if you know me, you know that i always have good excuses, great excuses. This time however, the excuses are less good, and certainly not great.

They are writer's block and laziness, but mainly just laziness. It's about 93% due to laziness. Of course i could just go out on a limb and blame it on ADD, for which i did not pick up a medication refill. Which was also due to laziness...but where is this all going?

If you guessed a life of failure and untapped potential, then you may only be half right. Trust in me dear friends as i will "tap" into that potential even if it requires selling out and stabbing everyone in the back. My future agent will be my only friend, and of course the devil, and any friend of the devil is a friend of mine, so i, myself, will also be my friend. But i'll be happy! I'll have so much fucking money i'll buy happiness for everyone I ever meet!

Speak or Speaking (of the Devil), i thought it would be intresting to come up with six degrees of seperation between George W. Bush and the Devil himself. When i started working on it, however, i was able to link it up in about two to three degrees. Thats no fun, and everyone is sick of people (especially me) droning on for hours about politics they can't (in theory) do anything about. So i decieded to do six degrees of seperation between George W. Bush and Satan visually, using pictures. enjoy.

George W. Bush

1. Alfred E. Newman

2. Dopey
3. Clay Aiken

4. Thom Yorke

5. Vincent van Gogh

6. Paul Mitchell

Satan!

The Bee-Gees Balding Conspiracy Finally Uncovered by Renegade blogger Brandon Reichard!

Maurice Gibb: a tribute.

Columbus (OHIO) Associated Press, May 16th, 2008

Poor Maurice Gibb, I really feel for the guy. He may have been in a band only outsold by Elvis, the Beatles, Michael Jackson, and Paul McCartney,* but life was certainly tough for him. Why, you ask. Well it all has to do with male pattern baldness. Maurice was one of the ‘brothers’ Gibb’, the members of the Bee Gees. He was born Dec. 22, 1949 in the Isle of Wales, as the uglier twin brother to fellow band mate Robin Gibb, both as younger brothers to the far sexier ‘Barry Gibb’, the star of the show. These facts, by technicality, make Maurice the ugliest member of the Bee Gees. Maurice is actually pronounced “Morris”, yet after years of being called “Maurice”, he gave up correcting people. His entire life he was always overshadowed by his brothers. The record execs would not let him write music for the group because of his tendencies for musical experimentation. Four of his solo works went unreleased because record execs feared it would estrange the Bee Gees fan base. He was divorced twice, both times because of the woman’s choice. He died in 2003 following complications of a twisted intestine. Following his death, his surviving brothers Barry and Robin announced that they would no longer perform as the Bee Gees, they however, did. Why did things happen this way? Can your intestines really twist? And what does that astrick by Paul McCartney’s name mean?

I will anwser the intestines question first, yes.

As for the astrick, Mariah Carey has also outsold the Bee Gees, but I left that out because I thought it deminished the prestige of the accomplishment, mainly due to the film Glitter, oh, and the music. I didn’t want to believe shaking your ass on the hood of a car, covered in body makeup, “singing” over neptunes beats would really score you more number #1s than the Beatles. But, as I have come to find out, people are always far stupider than you previously gave them credit for, and as I gave them very little credit as it was, it is now even lower. Generations before us got Bob Dylan and Mick Jager, we get Paris Hilton and Miley Cyrus. Hey! I think we’re turnin’ the corner in Iraq!
But I will, for the sake of not losing you, digress.

As for the first question, remember the questions? Why did things happen this way for Maurice (Morris) Gibb? Male pattern baldness, commonly refered to as Androgenic alopecia, which affects millions and millions of men each year. Researchers have determined that this form of hair loss is related to hormones called androgens, particularly an androgen called dihydrotestosterone (DHT). That will be on the quiz. Anyways, Morris Gibb, Bee Gee and divorcee, started to loss a shit load of hair very early in his carrer. This led to what I believe to be a massive cover up, causing him to be shoved into the background behind his brothers at any chance they could muster. Viewing of the video for the no. #1 hit “How Deep Is your Love” (which also happens to be one of the top 5 worst videos, ever) clearly illustrates my point. Watch how the camera cuts off his hairline, as it does not with his brothers. Also observe how he is placed in the back of the group, his hairline cleverly blocked out by his brothers while his face is still visable. If this is not proof enough, just look at any picture of the Bee Gees, ever. And further proof lies in the albums you buy at the store. Next time you are in a music store, ask where they hide the Bee Gees records, when you look at the case notice the sticker promoting what hits are on the record slyly covers Maurice Gibbs’ rapidly dissapearing hair line. If no sticker is present you can be assured the picture was taken of the band well before (like a decade) the band had a hit. By the late 70’s things had gotten so bad that he was forced to wear a hat during preformances. Never in the history of mankind was one man forced to be so ashamed of his Androgenic alopecia, speaking on behalf of the people of the United States, we’re sorry Mo. []


***I do not want you to believe that just because I posted this, that I just sit around my room all day watching Bee Gees videos on YouTube.


**** I apologize for wasting your life.


*****Both of the above are bold faced lies, I don’t know how I live with myself either.

"How deep is you love" video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCj0F0o9u-8&feature=related

and the #1 worst music video of all time: Journey "Separate Ways"

Seriously, watch this one people, i wish this was a joke, i really do wish. If this video was a parody film, it would be too ridiculous to be believable. My god, Journey sucks, don't click on this link. You will never get back those three minutes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxxOyGK1pMk

This one is pretty bad too. unwatchable. do not click.

Video for the hair metal band Autograph's "turn up the radio"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNb8po-ufu8

DAY SIX: Buying stocks in the Bear market

Recession has begun to hit the United States, and in today’s bear market it may seem a quite unlikely place to find hot stocks, but look no further. The “Insomnomanic” brings you the hottest stock tips on the world wide web!

Company One: The Halliburton Company (HAL: nyse)
Led by renegade inventor Tony Stark, Halliburton helps the United States deliver our own twisted take on democracy to a people who don’t understand that even with troops on every corner, and a a five o’ clock curfew, you are still free.
Halliburton is a true gem, a company that is uniquely American. Since the start of the Iraq war, their stock has tripled, and most importantly, they have helped America stay free!

Day 5: Life on Tatooine

If there is a warm center of the universe, I must be furthest from it. Living with my Uncle Ben has become intolerable. Today, I was supposed to go with my friends to Hascchi station to get power converters, but Uncle Ben, that fat fuck, made me work on those fucking droids! Not only that, but he told me that I wasn’t allowed to submit my application for the academy until the next fuckin' harvest! I wish he would quit pretending he was my father!! I am so fucking sick of these motherfuckin’ moisture evaporators!!!We did get two new droids for the harvest today. The first one is a 3PO unit, gay. The R2 unit is a feisty little fucker, he claims to be the property of an Obi-Wan Kenobi. Does he mean that wacko from the sex offender notification, Ben Kenobi? Anyway, the R2 was playin’ this video of this fuckin’ hot bitch, who I would love to "stick my saber" in, begging for it from this Bro, Kenobi. I asked him to play the rest of the vid because i was still yankin' it, but instead, he fucking runs, and i had to settle for a 3P0 HJ. Anyway, I got to find that Trashcan before Uncle Ben finds out he’s gone. After he found that bag of spice in my drawer he has been such an Asshole!

の実現を目指 4: 情報を発!

今日は講演会のお知らせです。国立情報学研究所 連想情報学研究開発センター長　高野明彦教授の講演会です。タイトル「「連想する場」としての公共図書館~情報を発想力に変える空間~」夢が広がるタイトルです。高野教授が開発されたシステムでは、自らが探し求める書籍はもちろん、これまで想像もしなかった関連情報とも出会うということが可能になっています。高野教授が開発した検索エンジンは、情報空間での新しい「読書環境」の実現を目指すことが可能になってきました。誰でも簡単につかえるこのシステムを知り、使用することは、美術館や小布施の施設に存在する情報（図書）を知り、小布施の未来へを豊かにするものと考えれられます。是非、お時間のある方、小布施へおいでください!

DAY THREE: 20TH JULY 1864

gen. mccormick been marchin us boys hard now for some da past few days if I do recall it like he want to buck and gag us all da way to fort mempis to bang on the yanks. I still tuff as a knot thouh. They be bringin’ the fresh fish all da way frmm georgia to see da elephant. We need us sum more accoutremnts if we suppsed to be top rail twomorra. I do declara dat if tint we not for the piktcha of mary lou in my havasack I would not be so first rate. I do so hope to the dear swett lord dat they hav them cumputrs at fort mempis so I may chek me facebok.

DAY TWO: LOST AT SEA

Things are begining to look bleak. Hartford managed to capture a few fish over the side of the raft this morning, but with no way to cook them, we were forced to consume them raw. I am still dreadfully hungry though, and Hartford's slender tan thighs are starting to look mighty tasty. Lost at sea with nothing but a raft, basic supplies, and a laptop w/ wifi connection, i don't know if we will make it...or at least Hartford.

DAY ONE:

Well, I did it! I started a blog.
Less emo kids than xanga! Less fun than Facebook! Less creepy than Myspace!
I cannot exactly tell you why…maybe it was that I thought the blog-o-sphere had gone untamed for far too long, and well…I’m here to tame it, to make it my bitch, to knock it around a little bit, push it down the stairs, to rinse, wash, and repeat. To say what I need to say, to be heard, to create another meaningless website for everyone to ignore!

Oh the things I could do with this site!
I could share poems with you! Tell you about how many books I’ve read! Tell you about the movies I’ve seen! Tell you about all the political shit, that we all love to read so very much! Tell you all about my day!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! This sure is going to be fun gang!

With each days post, you will have new, fun, exciting reasons for never returning back to this site! It’s a blog!